So much truth in your words. I think I started to let go when I realised that the consequences could not be worse than living a life bound up in fear and hypervigilance.
I have found that letting go of control of illness symptoms is one the MAJOR KEYS to managing the emotional toll. I’m so glad you found this affirmation 💗
"The first time I said to myself, I am not in control, it felt like dirt in my mouth.
Now, it tastes like grace.
I still say it often. Sometimes through tears.
Sometimes with peace.
But I say it.
And I let go."
This is beautiful, and I aspire to it. I practice letting go of (the illusion of) control, because I know everything you say is true and I know that fighting this reality only causes suffering, but still I can't get there very often.
In fact, as I unpack what it means to have been an undiagnosed autist for five decades, I seem to be moving through a period of accepting with compassion my lifelong desire/need for control. Maybe releasing it more consistently comes on the other side.
I think the aspiration is the most important part. We’ll all only ever be human and imperfect. But our intentions and how we strive to be are everything. I’m proud of you for not looking away from it even though it’s not an easy practice. The reckoning on the other side of autism diagnosis (as I also know) is not at all easy 💞💞💞💞
Your post is profoundly moving, sharing your journey with such raw and courageous honesty. The shift from 'I am not in control' feeling like a loss to tasting like grace is so powerful. Thank you for opening up about this deeply personal experience. It’s a gift to read.
This is so beautiful and so important too. My chronic illness has taught me so much and not being the one in the driver's seat is a BIG one! Something happened this week that really brought this home to roost and it's clarified again (and again and again) that I'm not in control. This time something has shifted inside and I find myself surrendering to it (in a good way!) 💖
As someone who lives life almost permanently three beats ahead, terrified to loosen the reins and let things lie as they may - thank you for writing this. I hope all is well for your partner also.
I relate so so so much. It was only when faced with death did I realize I was a risk of truly a mental breakdown if I didn’t learn to let go (at least a little bit). Thank you so much for your well wishes too ❤️🩹 giving you a gentle hug.
I appreciate this so much. For me, I work in therapy to identity where I do have agency because overwhelm can blur the lines siphoning energy. Early loss created an awareness that life can shift in an instant.
This season has been the greatest test. I can’t remove the pain of my loved one. I wish so much that I could but it isn’t in my control.
Not Up to You by Bjork is a song I listen to for releasing notions of like and dislike, where the fear can also be harnessed as excitement. She sings into a crescendo, “unthinkable surprises about to happen, but what they are, it’s not up to you.”
Surprises are feeling promising in my country just now. But what I can control is home, hearth, love shared. 💖
Thank you for this reflection. I really felt the tenderness in your words, especially that line between agency and surrender. I know that feeling of wanting to take away someone’s pain, and the heartbreak of knowing we can’t. I haven’t heard Not Up to You before, but I love that lyric. I’ll have to listen! It’s so beautiful what you said about choosing to focus on home, hearth, and shared love. 💞
I relate to this too. I do so so much preparing. So much preparing can be let go if we can accept that we are not in control. It’s not easy at all, but it’s worth it. I’m proud of you ❤️🩹
So much truth in your words. I think I started to let go when I realised that the consequences could not be worse than living a life bound up in fear and hypervigilance.
This is so so true, Justine 🤍
Thank you for sharing this gift. 🕊️
Thank you for having an open heart to receive Christopher ☺️💞
I have found that letting go of control of illness symptoms is one the MAJOR KEYS to managing the emotional toll. I’m so glad you found this affirmation 💗
I couldn’t agree more! Facing my feelings of helplessness and letting them flow through me and leave my body has been so important 💞💞💞
"The first time I said to myself, I am not in control, it felt like dirt in my mouth.
Now, it tastes like grace.
I still say it often. Sometimes through tears.
Sometimes with peace.
But I say it.
And I let go."
This is beautiful, and I aspire to it. I practice letting go of (the illusion of) control, because I know everything you say is true and I know that fighting this reality only causes suffering, but still I can't get there very often.
In fact, as I unpack what it means to have been an undiagnosed autist for five decades, I seem to be moving through a period of accepting with compassion my lifelong desire/need for control. Maybe releasing it more consistently comes on the other side.
I think the aspiration is the most important part. We’ll all only ever be human and imperfect. But our intentions and how we strive to be are everything. I’m proud of you for not looking away from it even though it’s not an easy practice. The reckoning on the other side of autism diagnosis (as I also know) is not at all easy 💞💞💞💞
Thank you so much for these encouraging words. 🥲💚
Your post is profoundly moving, sharing your journey with such raw and courageous honesty. The shift from 'I am not in control' feeling like a loss to tasting like grace is so powerful. Thank you for opening up about this deeply personal experience. It’s a gift to read.
Thank you so so much Johannes 💞
This is so beautiful and so important too. My chronic illness has taught me so much and not being the one in the driver's seat is a BIG one! Something happened this week that really brought this home to roost and it's clarified again (and again and again) that I'm not in control. This time something has shifted inside and I find myself surrendering to it (in a good way!) 💖
I love that so much, Catherine! It’s not easy to surrender. I’m so proud of you for welcoming it 💞💞💞
You and Dr. Talia have helped me so much 💖 Thank you both 🙏💖
A lot of this really resonates for me. I’m going to try this mantra because I definitely need to work on that. 💚
Thank you so much Krista. I hope it helps ❤️🩹
As someone who lives life almost permanently three beats ahead, terrified to loosen the reins and let things lie as they may - thank you for writing this. I hope all is well for your partner also.
I relate so so so much. It was only when faced with death did I realize I was a risk of truly a mental breakdown if I didn’t learn to let go (at least a little bit). Thank you so much for your well wishes too ❤️🩹 giving you a gentle hug.
I appreciate this so much. For me, I work in therapy to identity where I do have agency because overwhelm can blur the lines siphoning energy. Early loss created an awareness that life can shift in an instant.
This season has been the greatest test. I can’t remove the pain of my loved one. I wish so much that I could but it isn’t in my control.
Not Up to You by Bjork is a song I listen to for releasing notions of like and dislike, where the fear can also be harnessed as excitement. She sings into a crescendo, “unthinkable surprises about to happen, but what they are, it’s not up to you.”
Surprises are feeling promising in my country just now. But what I can control is home, hearth, love shared. 💖
Thank you for this reflection. I really felt the tenderness in your words, especially that line between agency and surrender. I know that feeling of wanting to take away someone’s pain, and the heartbreak of knowing we can’t. I haven’t heard Not Up to You before, but I love that lyric. I’ll have to listen! It’s so beautiful what you said about choosing to focus on home, hearth, and shared love. 💞
This is so beautifully written. Definitely adding this to my affirmations thank you 💛
Thank you so much Bryony! 💗
I relate to this too. I do so so much preparing. So much preparing can be let go if we can accept that we are not in control. It’s not easy at all, but it’s worth it. I’m proud of you ❤️🩹