Oh, I felt this one too! Different situations entirely for me, though. Finally realizing that I'm ace was very freeing, and it caused me to look hard at my past experiences and why I did the things I did. For me, I've always deeply longed for love. And I figured the way to get love was to have sex.
For me, I'm not particularly repulsed by sex. I know some ace people are. But the reality, I discovered, was that I could take it or leave it. I could enjoy the physical aspects of it (especially with someone I love), but I don't think about it. I don't desire it. I don't miss it when I don't have any. It's been almost three years for me, and I haven't missed it.
Asexuality really is a spectrum. Everyone's different in what they can tolerate, and those feelings matter.
This part: I figured the way to get love was to have sex. I really relate, Tabitha! I also feel pretty take it or leave it. I’m not fully repulsed but I don’t desire it in the slightest. Unfortunately, with my health decline I can rarely take it these days, physically. And honestly, not having the choice at all is hard. I think it’s the cultural expectations still rolling around inside of me.
Oh, gosh. Same for me. I just don't have the energy for that sort of thing. I'm fortunate that my husband is very understanding, because we're not into the open marriage concept. I mean, people can do what they want, providing they're consenting adults, but it's just not our thing.
I have felt probably every type of way when it comes to my sexuality, but I felt most myself when I was researching asexual relationships. There is so much more to life, to love, to connection than sex. Beautifully written!
I’ve often thought that there are different flavours and intensities to asexuality. Me, I am sort of a hardcore ace in that I have known that I expressly did NOT want sex from the first time my parents had THE TALK with me at around the age of seven. The very idea made me disgusted.
Mum had been the one to start talking with me about sex, and when Dad arrived home, I ran to him, and in an expression of revolted disbelief, I demanded that he tell me the truth, because I truly thought Mum was pranking me. I couldn’t believe that adults would do that…. Especially voluntarily!
Dad was quite taken aback, as he was kind of old school about talking about sexuality with his child, but then he started laughing and confirmed that, indeed, adults do that, and it’s even voluntary!
My response was ‘I am NEVER going to do that!’
My folks just laughed and said, ‘We’ll see!’
We did see. I was ace all the way back then, and I’m ace now that I’m 50!
The way people want everyone to be in relationships is a weird thing. I’m not just ace, I am also aromantic, so I really felt odd when people just started to assume that I wanted a boyfriend, wanted to marry, and wanted to be a mother (compulsory sexuality, compulsory heterosexuality, and compulsory pregnancy and parenthood, all at the same time! Yuck.🤮).
It does lessen some as you get older, without any sign of a boyfriend, girlfriend, theyfriend, or kids, thankfully, or else I would have a lot more grey hair than I already do.
I love this story! I bet your parents were shocked you stuck to your guns even as you grew up. Haha. I really feel you on the compulsory nature of relationships themselves and having kids too. I knew really young I never wanted to have kids as well. I told my mom when I was 18 I wanted to have my tubes tied (not knowing anything about how intensely this would affect the body, just knowing I didn’t ever want kids). I never changed my mind even once on it either. Sexuality, no matter where you sit, truly is a spectrum. I wish people didn’t think it had to be so rigid. Sending you big hugs! 🫂
My mother handed me her college copy of Gray's Anatomy and told me to go ask my father but I learned about sexuality reading "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask" hiding in the public library
I love this! My parents didn't tell me anything about sex. No sex talk at all. But I similarly snuck a book at the library to learn more when I was a teenager!
Being incredibly observant at times, I've onlu just realised that you have an ō in “Vøx”, and it goes with the pronunciation that you voiced in the interview… oh I have been a bit slow! Thank you, Vōx, and I'll write it properly, next time. 🙃
So much solidarity. Because of the era I was raised in and having been in a monogamous relationship with a man for decades it took me until my mid-40s to own my bisexuality. Still feeling in so many ways like a fraud in claiming a queer identity. Working on it.
My ex wife literally kicked me to the curb and now divorced I'm on my own. And right now I'd consider myself ace even though I'm a cis gendered lesbian. Age may factor in but right now I'm OK alone
It's tough and I managed not to write about it when I meant to in an article section saying "Oh! I finally figured out my sexuality!", but untangling what's religious repression vs. having the wrong equipment vs. neurodiversity vs. innately just asexuality and how it relates to my gender has been a struggle
And none of that stopped me getting married and having 3 kids, but she only had sex because she felt she had to to keep me happy, and I had sex because (here comes the religious repression part) it was now "good" when masturbation was "bad", and the other purpose of sex would keep us together. Clearly not. Neither one of us got all that into it beyond the physics of it, I suppose.
Pretty sure she's ace spectrum as well, as neither one of us has actually dated since. (honestly I think I'm quoiromantic and not really sure the difference between a date and going out with a friend is anyway, unless it becomes a date if you kiss?)
Anyway, long story short: could we all chill a LOT on what's between our legs and what we're doing with it?
Oh, I felt this one too! Different situations entirely for me, though. Finally realizing that I'm ace was very freeing, and it caused me to look hard at my past experiences and why I did the things I did. For me, I've always deeply longed for love. And I figured the way to get love was to have sex.
For me, I'm not particularly repulsed by sex. I know some ace people are. But the reality, I discovered, was that I could take it or leave it. I could enjoy the physical aspects of it (especially with someone I love), but I don't think about it. I don't desire it. I don't miss it when I don't have any. It's been almost three years for me, and I haven't missed it.
Asexuality really is a spectrum. Everyone's different in what they can tolerate, and those feelings matter.
This part: I figured the way to get love was to have sex. I really relate, Tabitha! I also feel pretty take it or leave it. I’m not fully repulsed but I don’t desire it in the slightest. Unfortunately, with my health decline I can rarely take it these days, physically. And honestly, not having the choice at all is hard. I think it’s the cultural expectations still rolling around inside of me.
Oh, gosh. Same for me. I just don't have the energy for that sort of thing. I'm fortunate that my husband is very understanding, because we're not into the open marriage concept. I mean, people can do what they want, providing they're consenting adults, but it's just not our thing.
I have felt probably every type of way when it comes to my sexuality, but I felt most myself when I was researching asexual relationships. There is so much more to life, to love, to connection than sex. Beautifully written!
Thank you so much Wit! 💝🫂
I’ve often thought that there are different flavours and intensities to asexuality. Me, I am sort of a hardcore ace in that I have known that I expressly did NOT want sex from the first time my parents had THE TALK with me at around the age of seven. The very idea made me disgusted.
Mum had been the one to start talking with me about sex, and when Dad arrived home, I ran to him, and in an expression of revolted disbelief, I demanded that he tell me the truth, because I truly thought Mum was pranking me. I couldn’t believe that adults would do that…. Especially voluntarily!
Dad was quite taken aback, as he was kind of old school about talking about sexuality with his child, but then he started laughing and confirmed that, indeed, adults do that, and it’s even voluntary!
My response was ‘I am NEVER going to do that!’
My folks just laughed and said, ‘We’ll see!’
We did see. I was ace all the way back then, and I’m ace now that I’m 50!
The way people want everyone to be in relationships is a weird thing. I’m not just ace, I am also aromantic, so I really felt odd when people just started to assume that I wanted a boyfriend, wanted to marry, and wanted to be a mother (compulsory sexuality, compulsory heterosexuality, and compulsory pregnancy and parenthood, all at the same time! Yuck.🤮).
It does lessen some as you get older, without any sign of a boyfriend, girlfriend, theyfriend, or kids, thankfully, or else I would have a lot more grey hair than I already do.
I love this story! I bet your parents were shocked you stuck to your guns even as you grew up. Haha. I really feel you on the compulsory nature of relationships themselves and having kids too. I knew really young I never wanted to have kids as well. I told my mom when I was 18 I wanted to have my tubes tied (not knowing anything about how intensely this would affect the body, just knowing I didn’t ever want kids). I never changed my mind even once on it either. Sexuality, no matter where you sit, truly is a spectrum. I wish people didn’t think it had to be so rigid. Sending you big hugs! 🫂
Oh, they were! Mum still half expects me to turn up with a girlfriend, and I’ve not had any sort of romantic relationship since university!
My mother handed me her college copy of Gray's Anatomy and told me to go ask my father but I learned about sexuality reading "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask" hiding in the public library
I love this! My parents didn't tell me anything about sex. No sex talk at all. But I similarly snuck a book at the library to learn more when I was a teenager!
Here, here! 👏👏
Vōx, I kept thinking about how often belonging asks the body to provide evidence.
A kiss. A photograph. A visible yes.
And how radical it can be to stop producing the evidence.
“I wasn’t trying to be sexually free. I was trying to be accepted” opened the whole piece for me.
Thank you lovely Birgit! Yes, being able to be exactly as we are, no more proving. And still be found worthy. That’s the key!
The podcast interview was thoughtful, reflective, kind and: so interesting! Thank you for the generosity to share, to both of you.
- And thank you again, Vox, for your writing here.
Thank you so much! Sending you big hugs ❤️🩹🫂
Being incredibly observant at times, I've onlu just realised that you have an ō in “Vøx”, and it goes with the pronunciation that you voiced in the interview… oh I have been a bit slow! Thank you, Vōx, and I'll write it properly, next time. 🙃
Nope - I can't get the ō to appear! Aargh. Must be late.
Thank you for this 🙏 yes, our asexuality belongs here ✨💗
Thank you Nessie!
So much solidarity. Because of the era I was raised in and having been in a monogamous relationship with a man for decades it took me until my mid-40s to own my bisexuality. Still feeling in so many ways like a fraud in claiming a queer identity. Working on it.
Thank you Diana! It really is such a journey from the realization to come to the acceptance part. I’m still right there with you. ❤️🩹🫂
My ex wife literally kicked me to the curb and now divorced I'm on my own. And right now I'd consider myself ace even though I'm a cis gendered lesbian. Age may factor in but right now I'm OK alone
I think sexuality is definitely more fluid than we realize. It’s always valid to grow and change your mind, whichever direction you take 🫂
And so much has changed since we were young -39 pronouns at last count. I know someone who worked with Kinsey...wonder how he'd react
It's tough and I managed not to write about it when I meant to in an article section saying "Oh! I finally figured out my sexuality!", but untangling what's religious repression vs. having the wrong equipment vs. neurodiversity vs. innately just asexuality and how it relates to my gender has been a struggle
And none of that stopped me getting married and having 3 kids, but she only had sex because she felt she had to to keep me happy, and I had sex because (here comes the religious repression part) it was now "good" when masturbation was "bad", and the other purpose of sex would keep us together. Clearly not. Neither one of us got all that into it beyond the physics of it, I suppose.
Pretty sure she's ace spectrum as well, as neither one of us has actually dated since. (honestly I think I'm quoiromantic and not really sure the difference between a date and going out with a friend is anyway, unless it becomes a date if you kiss?)
Anyway, long story short: could we all chill a LOT on what's between our legs and what we're doing with it?